mamacook: Sugar Free Banana Bread for Babies

mamacook: Sugar Free Banana Bread for Babies

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Better late than never - The Birth Of Phoebe Olivia (Now 7.5 months old sorry)

The labour and birth of Phoebe Olivia born 15th June 2011 at 10.17am weighing 7lb 3oz 

 
I remember going to bed at around 10 pm on the evening of the 14th June which was quite late for me really as I would normally be tucked up by 8 or 9 watching tv under the duvet. We had had lasagne for tea and I didn't feel like eating much of it, but I put that down to the amount of work that went into it!
My pelvis had become increasingly uncomfortable during the 2 weeks prior to labour day, and it was an effort to lift my legs to walk, and to find a comfortable sitting position. The gym ball definitely proved a source of comfort though! I remember saying for the last few weeks of my pregnancy how low down I thought baby was! But midwife said she definitely wasn't fully engaged as far as she could tell.

Anyway back to the eve of the 14th.

Steve came to bed about half an hour after me and went straight to sleep and was happily snoring away!! So annoying when you just want a good night’s rest! I must have fallen asleep for about a half hour or so because I remember waking at about 11ish with a pain in my tummy. My first thoughts were that I had given us food poisoning as I never was good at lasagne! But it was defo a GOOD one and Steve seemed ok so I just put it down to gripeyness and tried to chill out. About ten mins later I was woke again by a pain... I thought it was a bit odd and took a trip the loo just incase but nope nothing doin there!! I think at this point I knew something was amiss, so I crouched on the bedroom floor and lent on the bed to see if another pain might come and sure enough it did - then my body started the clear out!! I must've gone to the loo about 6 times in the hour I woke steve (yes I thought I'd let him sleep before I frightened him to death). The “show” came during this time and was like a light period really and it continued to come right until I gave birth (normal I guess).  My contractions which I had now decided is what they were, were coming maybe one every 7 minutes now so I thought I'd wake Steve up.

I did it as gently as I could - "steve" he woke immediately and I said "I think the baby is coming". I explained what was happening and he went to make tea to wake himself up and had a shower too lol! I called the hospital who said that as it was first baby it was unlikely anything significant was happening, and they weren't convinced my contractions were up to much at the time. It certainly felt like they were up to something!! I have never known pain like it, and I am sure at one point I could feel my cervix "ping" open just that little bit further!! I was told to wait an hour and call back if needed. I did the hour in bed - it was horrendous, the pain was really awful, I can't even begin to describe it. Steve told me to squeeze him etc but I couldn't see the point of causing him pain to ease mine - I aint that kinda girl!!! I just buried my head in the pillows and got on with it as best I could. At one point I started to vomit, I guess part of the clearing out process and the hormone surge, and it was at this point I kinda felt “right this is it woman, you’re gonna have a baby!”

So after the hour my contractions were 1 every 5 mins and I called the hospital to say I couldn't cope and they asked if I wanted to come in! Ummm yep was the answer, so after a lot of panicking and trying to pick up final bits (still forgot pillow)! We headed to the hospital at about 2 ish I guess... A bit vague from this point!! I should say I had a tens machine on right from when I woke Steve and it really helped with my back pain during labour!

I had to get Steve to pull over at every contraction as I was having a lot of bearing down and the movement of the car was not good for pain control! Luckily the hospital is only ten minutes from our house, and the roads were totally empty so we didn't cause any problems!!

Got to the unit and I had to literally hug the walls every time a contraction came!! It took forever for a midwife to come to the door, and I think eventually an anaesthetist led us to our room.

After what seemed like an eternity, and with the tens turned up to microwave level (kidding) a midwife came in and took general notes and watched me writhe for a while before examining me.

I was strapped to a machine to monitor babies  heart and my contractions (amazing device) but I had to be on my back, and this is when the pain really kicked in - like majorly!! So much for women having the right to choose positions etc!!!

I was begging for an epidural and the midwife said I was coping fine (ok so I wasn't screaming like the woman next door but boy I REALLY needed the epidural). I explained as rationally as I could that I wasn't coping and then she said she needed to examine me and to burst my waters. I knew this would bring on labour even quicker so I started to panic and expressed my need for drugs asap! THE PAIN oh boy THE PAIN! But as she examined me she couldn’t burst the bag of water because there wasn’t one! She asked when it went and I had no idea! Apart from the “clearing out” episode earlier when I guess it may have gone, I had no recollection of leaking water at all, unless it came as I said earlier on while I was weeing loads so I didn’t notice?! She seemed concerned about this…

She asked what I wanted to be dilated at and I said I really didn't care as long as I could have pain relief soon. She said I was already at 5cm which was wonderful to get that far without pain relief. I kinda felt like whacking her at this point, but I am not the violent type thank goodness and was promptly given gas and air - I threw up pretty much after every toke on it, and it really didn't seem to do anything for my pain at all - RUBBISH drug! I continued to ask for an epidural. But the midwife tended to just ignore me really and kept looking at the tracing of the heartbeats.

It was at this point doctors started coming in saying they were concerned about the baby and myself as our heartbeats were very fast and an epidural was out of the question until they decided what to do.

I remember begging the doctor to give me pain relief and her eyes looked so sad for me, like she could cry, but she said the baby is the main priority so no I couldn't have the epidural yet :( I was so upset.

It was at this point they had to get me on my side into a one sided stirrup to get to the baby’s head to take a blood sample from her to check for acid levels for stress etc - this was also so very painful I can't tell you. But the result was good, but would need to be repeated in an hour. Another hour on my back with no pain relief... I don’t know how women do this without pain relief! I was told baby was slightly back to back to me at one point but had started to turn herself.

Then the anaesthetist who had let us in earlier came in and said she was going to do the epidural and I have never felt so happy in my life! She was amazing and quick! And coached me through contractions as they came and went and explained the electric shocks I was getting in my right legs as she inserted the needle etc - I remember asking her if she had job satisfaction as I sure hoped she did - I honestly think so highly of this woman it’s untrue!! Thank you x. Within 20 minutess I was PAIN FREE and the only hint I had of a contraction was when the bands on my tummy holding the monitors shifted with each contraction. I never felt so good – well you know what I mean!!
It was time for another procedure to get blood from the baby’s head, this time painless and they could see I was up to 7 cm by the time the epidural went in. I think the test came back ok, but our hearts were still way too fast...

THEN  more doctors came in and examined the heart traces and said they were very concerned and needed to do an emergency c-section asap and to prep the theatres.

I was staggered, no one had told us just how worried they all were and I remember crying pretty much from this point until Phoebe was born - in fact I'm welling up now. I rang mum and cried and she cried and she told me she loved me and I hung up without saying it back - doh, so texted her sharpish! And texted dad and Rebecca my sister what was happening and was then whisked off while Steve got dressed up as Dr Doolittle :)

I remember being wheeled to theatre and them topping up the epidural, inserting cannulas, telling me loads of stuff about blood pressure dropping etc and I explained I get nauseous so they got meds ready for that.

There was so much hustle and bustle and people introducing themselves to me, all this as tears rolled down my face - where was Steve? I just wanted him with me, with me and our baby asap! The lights were so bright above me and the surgeons soon had me legs up in stirrups to check my cervix - I was fully dilated!! This meant the c-section plan was put to rest and I could have emergency forceps instead and push her out myself with help!

I was overwhelmed by this point, it all became a bit too much, and I was so glad that Steve had arrived by now and just held me and told me he was there for us and that everything would be ok. I remember the anaesthetist Kate I think she was called, coaching him how to help me push by lifting my head to my chest for me. It wasn't long after this I felt the forceps go in - I say felt in a loose manner as I mean I could feel the metal knocking on my pubic bones and I remember feeling them encasing the baby’s head or at least a feeling kinda like that.

My midwife was stood to my right and explained she would keep her hand on my tummy to feel for contractions to tell me when to push.

Before I knew it the surgeon with the forceps was telling me to push like I was having the biggest poo ever (ok matey), so I did push with all my might, 3 contractions total I believe. I remember after the second contraction looking into the light above me, it was switched on, and I could see the reflection of what was happening down below, Phoebes head was out, I couldn’t believe it, and told Steve that if he wanted to look at what was happening “look up” lol. More tears and one more push, and I remember this screaming, bloody bundle being plonked onto my tummy, bottom facing me. I grabbed her as best I could, and Steve said after that he held her hand for a while until they took her off me. This bit felt like ages, I remember thinking “are they going to take her then?”. (There were no waters behind Phoebe when she was born either which was really unusual they said, so she had  have an cannula put into her tiny foot, and Steve had to take her to special care every day for antibiotics. I too had to have the drugs via IV just in case of infection due to no waters).

But things were afoot down below, the surgeons were very busy and I remember starting to feel really ill, really dizzy and weak and I had to be sick again – sideways sick is really difficult to do!!! Kate had moved to my left side to talk to the surgeons and I could see them in the reflection starting to sew and “pack” to stop the bleeding – I asked Kate to move the light so I couldn’t see what was happening anymore – that was enough for one day thanks.

I remember looking to my right and seeing Phoebe being seen to by the paediatrician man, she was screaming and seemed fine, and they soon brought her over to Steve. I remember blubbing that I had wanted him to hold her first, which I had secretly wished for all through my pregnancy, don’t know why. She looked all weird “alien like” I remember saying he he he. She was wide eyed and calm and Steve later said she looked like Homer Simpsons dad at that point – sorry Phoebe, we love you really!

I wasn’t told until I was back on the ward that I had lost 4 pints of blood! And it wasnt until after we were back home that Steve told me my blood pressure was down to something like 50/30 during theatre, the epidural, combined with the heavy blood loss did that. I collapsed on the ward when they tried to get me out of bed 2 days later and had an unreadable blood pressure due to the blood loss, so had 2 bags transfused back into me. I felt instantly better, but it was another 2 weeks until I started to feel like me again.

During the 2 days post birth I couldn’t do anything for Phoebe as I was bed bound so I was helped to express my colostrum to give to her in syringes and she was topped up with formula until I was taken to the ward on day 3 where I could properly practice breast feeding! It took forever to figure it out and Phoebe would scream and scream bless her, but we got there in the end!

The drugs I went home with made me really weird, I was having hallucinations and was in a bit of a daze for about 2 weeks until I was taken off of them…I kept waking up and seeing my arms and hands as children’s arms and hands and quite frankly it freaked me out!!!

I am sure I have missed loads, but that in a nutshell is the labour and birth of Phoebe Olivia.

We were told that we would never conceive naturally by some doctors (that’s a whole other story, and my husband is an amazing man), and it was a week before we were to start IVF that we found out we had created our little miracle…

No matter how hard it gets, and how tired I am, and no matter how stressful her birth was, I will always be grateful for the little girl that has graced our lives. Thank you god xx

34+6 weeks - yaaawwwwwn

Wow its been a while and it would be fair to say i have been pre occupied.

Baby brain has kicked in and with just 2 weeks left at work, my time is spent tying up loose ends and prepping everyone for my going away and proceedures etc. I am oober forgetful and oober tired :)

Health wise i seem to be ok, tested neg for gestational diabetes some time ago now, but a urine infection i  was diagnosed today with also spotted some sugars so i have to have a fasting test again.

Baby was head down at last check and i can certainly feel her burrowing in, my pelvis has started to give way a little again which is quite painful especially at night time. Stretchies have come on my tummy over the last couple months which i kinda expected, but wished and hope they wouldnt lol! But lots of moisturiser helps with the itchyness and soreness - i wasnt expecting them to get sore but guess it figures.

Baby seems to be measuring ok, but doctor today said baby was "sizeable" even though bump measures  in line with dates - eerrrk!!! Bump certainly feels all baby!!

She is moving but not as much as when she was littler (obviously), i kinda miss the flutters and somersaults.
Mentally i still dont think i can believe that i will be a mummy in just a few short weeks!!!

Its been a stressful last tri due to landlord wanting us out asap so he can convert our house to a 4 bed for more money, DH isnt sure what hours he will have come June at work due to changes there and what with my money now reducing due to mat leave, baby will be a welcome guest to perk up our spirits!

29+5 Weeks - RIBS RIBS RIBS

All i can say is OUCH!!! I have been awake pretty much the whole of this week with really bad rib pain through the night. It is sooo depressing, nothing seems to help to get me comfortable, and i am trying so hard not to take paracetamol on a regular basis, but today a friend told me i have to help myself, so i am going to start to take it every 6 hours in the hope i can get some rest bite from the pain :( I wish i wish i wish i could sleep - this will no doubt be my mantra for the next few years, but my gosh, how i wish i could just sleep like a baby for one night, just one night!!!
The pregnancy itself is oging well touch wood! My pelvic pain has almost completely settled, and the physio has signed me off her books, unless i need to contact her! I have to say it is such a releif to not be struggling day to day to walk. Now my waddle is down to weight not pain!
Bump is growing well, i had a scare about a month ago where i was measuring about 3.5 weeks ahead, but at my last Midwife appt i was back on track and measuring only 1 week ahead which is okey dokey! My diabetes test came back negative which i was sooooo happy about. Having PCOS i expected to have the diabetes so thumbs up body!
Found my first baby stretch mark last week right on my tummy near my belly button :( Whilst i don't mind really, i was kinda sad that this purple red mark had appeared and that more will come. But on the same token, they mean such an amazing thing that I would never wish hem away - weird i know!
DH is still determined not to molly coddle me, and i kinda wish he would sometimes. I get tired kinda quick nowadays and he hasn't even cooked for me since i got pregnant! A bit of TLC would go a long way at the moment :(
Sooo the big news is that our landlord issued us with a notice of eviction as he wants to turn our 3 bed house to a 4 to rent to students :( He gave us 2 months to get out which was when baby was due, so we had to negotiate a further 6 motnhs but at a higher rent which sucks totally. We were going to be here for at least another 2 years, and i so wanted to decorate babies nursery - but for now we will make do. Searching for a new place has been so hard as we have a dog and no landlord will take one :( Stress we don't need just now. I guess that's also played a big part in my sleepless nights.
So for now all is ok ish!!!
Love to all
FH X

25+5 weeks!

Well we have been away for a week in sunny yet chilly Devon, and we did ALOT of walking, which to be honest hasn't done my pelvis any good at all "sigh". I seem to be getting bony pain right down in my crotch now which is what i had right at the start of the pelvic dysfunction... I'm kinda hoping this is part baby growing and that my body will get used to it. Physio again next week, so i guess she will tell me more.

Bump is growing happily and very wiggly. I would describe her movements  as "clunky" now, not the pretty flutterings you get earlier on! She is still quite random in movements and has stopped the bed time wriggling which is a relief! Now she tends to wake up around 8pm and wiggles a fair bit in the mornings around 9am, and always when i eat or drink anything yummy!

Slowly stocking up on baby goods, but ebay hasn't blessed us with decent second hand furniture yet! Took a look at some last week that was supposed to be immaculate to find big chunks out of the feet when we got there on the cot! Grrrr. Looking at another set this Friday, then i think i will give it 4 weeks to find something, before we have to rethink what we want, as i need to wash a tonne of baby clothes we have been given and put them away asap!

Had a few bad headaches while we were away which sucked, but other than that i have the odd bit of acid reflux now and again and that's it!! I think i can feel my fibroid stretching sometime which is like a quick stabbing pain, but will check that with MW when i see her this week.  Oh oh oh i think my boobs are starting to leak a little (when encouraged by me) clear fluid....is this too early for milk?

No stretch marks yet, still watching my old ones start to shine a little more (from growing not from pregnancy), but i am expecting to get some pretty soon :(

Hope you are all happy and healthy

FH X

22.5 weeks! Happy Valentines day!

Well bump is definitely the word! I have started to expand and actually look pregnant this last couple of weeks which has been nice! Its really strange feeling your body tighten around this little being!!
Touch wood the stretch marks haven't appeared YET!!! But i do have old ones from growing and weight gain/loss that are definitely starting to feel a bit deeper  :/ I am slapping on the cream though, every morning and it sits on my skin all day, so i hope that is helping somewhat...
My ribs have been painful at times at night time, particularly on my right hand side. I have read up on this and it seems alot of ladies get it so i am not too worried and a good stretch seems to help.
My appetite is increasing the last couple of weeks too! This frightens me a little as i don't want to put on tonnes of weight..i had gained 10lbs by 20 weeks, and i haven't been brave enough to weigh again since!
Baby goes through periods of good movement and days of quiet. Drinking sweet or cold things is a good tip tough to check she's still there!! Teee hee!
Sleep has been improving a little and pee trips are prob down to 2 or 3 a night now, depending on how late i drink!
Oranges and ice pops are my thing at the moment, although the last couple days i have had a need to eat a little chocolate (1 small bar over 2 days lol) - i am so scared of getting out of control weight wise!
My face is a bit spotty at the moment in the chin area, which was classic before i was pregnant and is a little depressing!
My usual complaints have all but gone, my pelvis is still painful at times but the physio did wonders and i am due to see her again this week so hopefully all will be well for the next few weeks!
Thinking of everyone who is near the end of their pregnancies!!! Its exciting reading up on you all - best of luck!
We have been given 5 massive bags of girls baby clothes that will see her through til about 18 months old!!! We may have to buy a few new things, but we are grateful for the help!! Now we really need to think about furniture for her room to put all her things into!!! We had so many nappy vouchers from various shops that we are quite stocked up on those too!
Love and hugs
FH x

20 weeks today!!! Scan tomorrow! Contractions :(

Ok so i was looking forward to the milestone that is 20 weeks, until last Saturday i found myself with 24 hours of contractions, painfull 4-6 minutes contractions!!! I called the maternity unit who didnt want to know unless i was referred over tot hem, so i had to go to A and E who basically told me that as there was no bleeding i should go home.... i was so pissed that they can send a woman home with PAINFUL REGULAR CONTRACTIONS!!! What annoyed me more is that the maternity unit would not give me any advice!! My midwife eventually called me on TUESDAY after all this had happened and said they wouldnt do anything to stop labour/contractions this early on - this saddened me some what but i guessi can understand why... i just dont rate the lack of "care" you get in this country.

Anyway the ocntractions passed come Sunday but i was so physically and emotionally exhausted by it all, i had to just sleep....i didnt feel the baby for a whole 24 hours which petrified me, but i had no one to call who gave a damn!! By Monday i began to feel kicks again which was such a big releif.

Weirdly thrugh all the my pelvis pain eased off totally, but its now back again with avengence! I have my physio appt at 8am on Monday morning, and i hope they are kind to me and dont man handle me too much!

My acid reflux has eased alot this week too which has been a nice change!!

Other than that i am still quite tired, but i think its down to A- me tossing and turning til i eventually drop off, and B - DH not being able to sleep come the early hours so getting up at silly times like 5am....grrrrr. All good practice for very little sleep i guess.

I am excited and nervous for the scan tomorrow and i am just hoping that all is going to be ok.... i will report back.

Stay hopeful peeps!

FH X

18.5 weeks, thats like almost half way!

I cant believe that i am almost half way!! Little ones movement are more noticeable now, but they seem to be quite sporadic. A couple weeks ago i could time when he/she would be more active, but at the moment theres no pattern...
I do notice that my bump goes hard at some times during the day, and i have put this down to baby moving towards the front.... that said, i have had a UTI and that gave me some "tightenings" but i dont think it is that that i am feeling now.
UTI has been a nightmare, the doctors go crazy when you are pregnant with a UTI! I have peed in at least 4 pots in the last 2 weeks for testing, and been to the docs 2 times for results... the last one seemed ok, but the receptionist called today to tell me to collect some more penicillin even though i Saw the doc 2 days ago and all was ok?!?! I booked in to see doc instead on Thursday, as i think there is some confusion and i don't want to take pills if i dont need to, i certainly dont feel UTI ish.... that said i am peeing alot at night still - anyone else do this anyway while pregnant??
I am still in non maternity clothes, although i cant do my trousers up so had to buy a "belly belt" pack and a belly cover thingy to help keep things covered! Maternity trousers are huge and have massive stretchy bump covers that i just dont need right now!
Bump isnt really that big either, so i am looking forward to the 20 wk scan to check all is ok etc!! I have promised myself i will relax a bit after this scan and start to enjoy this pregnancy!!
I have called the physios regarding my pubic pain and am waiting for an appt, but we keep missing each others calls which sucks :(

Boobs are continuing to grow ever bigger! Rest assured should i fall off a boat i will float!!!

Tiredness seems to be the name of the day still, and i find the afternoons are worse (i could do with a doze now), but i find it hard to sleep at night OR to lay in which is very frustrating...

Anyways, i must get on here more often i am a bad blogger!!!!

FH X

p.s acid..... burping....acid :~(

Almost 15 weeks :)

Well i dare to say that i feel almost human! Sickness has gone, but i do get tired quite easily, and am noticing some pelvic pain like right down in my pubic bone area. Seeing the midwife on Jan 6th so will check in with her about that :) I am still fitting into my normal clothes which is good but i dont think it will be long before i need to go shopping ( i hate shopping, especially clothes) and buy some tops that are a bit more forgiving and some new trousers! I dont do smocks or dresses normally, so am defo not gonna be a fat pregnant woman wearing dresses lol.

Defo noticing a bump of sorts too which is really strange! I dont think i can still believe i am actually pregnant!! I have told everyone at work now which is good, i have never had so many hugs!!

I am looking forward to 20 weeks scan, and i hope baby is less wriggly so they can at least tell me what make it is!!! :) I sooo want to know!

Well i dont really have much to report as all is quiet at the moment.... I still spot after sex etc which sucks but i am getting used to it now!!!

Love and luck

FH X

13 weeks

Well the last couple of weeks have been alot better than the previous!!! I only throw up now and again, and the nausea is only very mild and not all the time! Phew!

Had scan on Monday, seems that all is ok, although it took hours to get the baby into a profile position for the downs testing!! I was in so much pain later in the day from all the rocking and prodding i was made to do!! I could hardly move! So other than waiting for blood results, all seems ok. The baby is very wiggly on screen and i am sure that i have started to feel movement!

This morning i woke up with a very bloated tummy and yelled "i have a bump", but after going to the loo it deflated somewhat!

When i reached 12 weeks i did a bit of googling as a felt i had reached a milestone. I googled "symptoms at 12 weeks" and came across molar pregnancy info which worried me no end! I looked further into it, and came across a website that had images of molar pregnancy as well as images of babies from people who had miscarried  or had still births - THIS REALLY AFFCTED ME!! I was so shocked to see this sort of thing infront of me and i couldnt undertsand why people would want to put images like that on the web of their babies?! I guess its a healing process, but i think there should be a hell of a lot more proceedures in place, to help innocent paranoid pregnant women avoid it! End rant.

My cousin is pregnnat and due a week before me and has been going crazy on facebook about it, wheras i havent said a word about my pregnancy. I announced it to the family via email (we live a long way apart) last night, and she had a complete melt down about it lol. Takes the attention off of her somewhat and she didnt like it! Idiot - why cant people enjoy their own happiness and others aswell?!

Anyway....


Fruit seems to be the food of the day at the moment - nom nom nommer!

I need a holiday - looking to fly in february. I will be 5/6 months is this ok?!?!

Anyhoo - love and luck

FH X

11 weeks tomorrow

Well i had a week of no sickness and it was rather splendid! Pretty much eaten normally, but last night the sickness came back :( I know it can be on and off at various times but i was sooooo happy it had gone! He he he the joys!

Other than that DH and i finally "got close" and all was good! Yay!

Noticed my trousers are a little tight now so need to go get some new ones like yesterday!! The world of maternity wear is a new one to me, i have no idea where to start! I may just buy some bigger clothes until bump appears....

Anyways hope all is ok with y'all!

FH X

Nause-ARGHHHHH

Wow its fair to say i have been truly hit by the vomitting truck! I had a good week back at work last week, and managed to keep small amounts of food in me all day :) Then this week happened! I have spent nearly all of this week with my head back in the bucket/toilet/any vessel thats near! I have only kept 3 bits of toast down in 3 days, and yesterday even liquid wasnt staying down.... today however i found restbite in lucozade...what an amazing product it is, and i havent been sick!
It doesnt help that i have a mucousy nose which makes me gag quite alot and thus starts the sickness off again!
I guess its a good sign to be so ill, but i really would like to be a human again please!
Breast tenderness comes and goes, but still wearing a bra at night which helps.
Cant see a bump yet (obviously), but i certainly feel quite full in my uterus if i lean anything on it.
Saw my midwife for the first time this week. She seemed a bit "wet", more interested in paperwork than me, and when i told her about the sickness she told me to eat....ummmm go figure! Sheesh. I see her again at 16 weeks, so pretty much on my own until then. We should have our scan before this however.

So at the moment, my life is of the head in buckett form, with as much work as poss in between!

Thanks for all your comments, and i hope you are all well.

FH X

8 weeks tomorrow......and breattthhh

I have neglected my bloggerly duties! Thanks for your kind thoughts and comments - i guess you want an update!!
I was sent home from the hospital and had to wait until the Monday to go to the early pregnancy unit. The weekend was awful, i was still bleeding lightly, bright red blood, but i had no cramps and no clots. I spoke to a girl friend of mine who had 2 miscarriages in the past and she said no pain was a good sign, so i was mildy hopeful but still soooo scared and frightened.
So Monday came and i was taken in for my scan "the probe". The scan lady kinda frowned alot and i was expecting the worst, but she then said "looks like we're in business", i let a few tears roll down my face, and she briefly showed us the fetal sac, and i could see a heartbeat! They found a fibroid in my womb, and she couldnt see my right ovary, but basically everything was fine. I then had to see a doctor who explained that she didnt know why i was bleeding, but it could be cervical erosion which means an irritated cervix in short. She had a look and said there was a bit of erosion, but not too much to explain the bleeding. She said it could have been the placenta bedding into the uterus...but other than that no reason.... Sheesh.
So last week i stayed off of work and the sickess HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK! I have had my head in a bucket like ALOT!! I had to go to the docs in the end who gave me some travel tablets, which were ok but totally knocked me out! I have since figured that if i take half a dose its much better and i can function at the same time. But i only take them when i absolutely need to, as i dont want to use drugs if i can help it - but i needed them!
So the bleeding probably stopped by the tuesday, but i still had a browny, pinky discharge until today really. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
My boobs have started to hurt a bit more the last week to, and i am already well endowed in that dept, so i have started to wear a bra to bed. I like the fact they are preparing themselves!
I did have a private scan booked before the bleed for today infact, but we cancelled when we saw the embryo, and i want to let things settle before i go shoving more objects up there!! Which brings me to sex i miss the closeness with DH. He has been a trooper and not complained at all but i kinda wanna complain lol! I know its about the bigger picture though.
Grr i just lost a whole load of stuff - internet explorer sucks!!!
So my manager has been very supportive, I have 2 managers and i told my newest one first what was happening, and she has been fab. I deliver training for my local county council and today she told me to pull back from delivery until i am 12 weeks. Pushing, pulling, lifting and standing too long are not good at the moment so i am soo happy she has supported me to do this. Not what i expected. My other manager "sarah" is a married lesbian, and has spent many thousands trying to have a baby with her wife "babs". Babs has 4 kids already, and refuses to let sarah carry a baby because she likes to "carry" and wouldnt accept the baby if sarah carried it  lunatic if you ask me. This has really messes sarahs head up and since i told her my news she has been aloof and off work too... she is reluctant to show support in my need to be careful and i am worried she is gonna go over the edge... I feel so sorry for her but dunno how to approach this bit... I guess i need to just focus on me, harsh as that sounds.
So it seems for now i am ok, but who knows what the next week will hold!! I am sorry for the late blog, i just couldnt face anything last week!
Love and luck
FH X

BLOOD

I am or at least i hope i still am 6 weeks +3 today. Yesterday i had just started to relax a little about this pregnancy, i have been having some cravings for certain foods, like steak pie, so headed out to find some - i wasnt succesful but settled for a chilli instead!
I noticed some pressure in my womb area as i was wondering around the store, and didnt really think anything of it. I also had some stabbing pains in my right ovary area (which i have been getting a hint of the last few days). It wasnt very painful at all but enough to notice...

I got home, shoved the chilli in the microwave and went for a pee. When i wiped there was bright red blood all over the tissue... i kinda said "oh f*ck" and called hubby to tell him (answerphone grr) and went straght to the ER.

It seemes to turn pinky by the time i had got there but still had the stabby psin in right ovary. They took bloods, said my urine was full of blood but there was basically nothing they can do and sent me home. They booked me a scan at the early pregnancy unit on Monday morning - another weekend stressing...

As i left the ER the blood was red again, but overnight seems to have stopped, i may have passed a small clot last night but not sure as it was in the loo! I havent had cramping, just the stabby pain....

FH

Oh wow we didnt expect that!

WE ARE PREGNANT!

The week before we are due to go and sort out IVF treatment we get a miracle BFP! And boy is it a miracle, all of our tests say this is not possible... :)

I feel bad saying "pregnant" out loud, because its still really early, and i am oober superstitious, i am 5 weeks 5 days today... i am petrified and elated all at once. Every twinge and niggle i feel worries me to death and i swear my panic attacks are going to come back real soon! I am so worried that it will be an ectopic, as i have started to get a few sharp twinges in my right side today.... other than this though i had a few AF like pains during the first week which seem to have all but gone now. I get the odd dull ache or twinge if i stand up too quickly sometimes too.

Oddly my bowels aren't blocked up as all the books say, more the other way! Can someone reassure me please!!!!

I don't feel too bad at the moment apart from worrying about pains etc. I have had some nausea but it soon goes away after a little food. If i eat a big meal however i pay for it after!! Seems small and regular is the way to go! I have heard that the 6 week mark is when nausea really kicks in so we will wait and see on that one!

I had complete insomnia the week before BFP and a few days after but am settling back into sleep now. I have awful lower back pain at times, but have started to do the exercises mentioned in all the books, in a bid to strengthen my back and combat this pain! Warm baths are a god send!

The boobies are swelling and veiny and starting to darken ever so slightly!

I have booked a private scan on the 2nd Nov to check the dates are correct, and hopefully to put my mind at rest about this little pea inside of me... I AM HOPING AND PRAYING THIS IS GONNA BE OK.... Here in the UK you don't get to have a scan until 12-14 weeks which i think is awful!!! I have been to the doc who referred me straight to the midwife, but i haven't heard from her either, so i am kinda on my own for the next few weeks :(

I am over the moon but being cautiously optimistic (contradiction or what) - pray for us please x

FH x

It's been some time!

I have been somewhat reluctant to blog of late due to the need to grab my own mind space and chill out for a while.

My last entries were all about anticipation with regards to our first consultation, but the outcome of that changed dramatically. The clinic had never been what i would call "top notch" from the start.They gave an awful open evening, and really kept us waiting for our first appointment, which considering we were paying private was a bit of a surprise and not what we expected, but we "went with the flow" all the same. That said, they were attached to a hospital which meant that overall, the cost would be greatly reduced to that of a totally private  clinic. We had considered a private clinic but the costs were about £1500 more expensive, and whilst they looked amazing it was just a bit too much for us to cope with financially.

I think our wait was about 8 or 9 weeks just for a consultation appointment. I had certainly put alot of energy into getting myself to the point of "treatment" in my mind, so the appointment was a big thing for us to plan and the wait was a bit a a struggle, but we got to the date all the same.

So, we turn up on the day to be told that the doctor is running very much over, and there was even a couple still waiting to go in before us. DH just found this all too much (he was preparing to do a sample too), and on reflection while we waited we decided to just walk away (there was arguing too). Weirdly it felt really good to do this, and as we walked back to the car i felt a load off, and i felt really empowered to have made the decision to just walk away because "it didn't feel right" to use this clinic.... i think we knew it all along but we were just doing it for the wrong reasons - cheaper....

So after a couple weeks "cooling off" we looked at our ideal clinic that i mentioned above... i called.... they told us to come in 2 weeks - a hell of lot different to 9 weeks! They said DH can do his sample at home and bring it in - (no stage fright to worry about), and they sent a pot in the post, and the paperwork is just a different universe compared to the old place.... now it may sound odd that paperwork makes you feel better lol but the professional quality of it, just made it all feel right...

So that's where we are.... 18th Oct here we come! Excuse the pun. Still doesnt stop me imagining a miracle pregnancy in the meantime! I am still temping and dreaming those little spermies to my eggs! Although the last few weeks i wonder if part of the problem is me too what with PCOS and all, but the docs say its the sperm as a result of vas reversal....i guess we will know more soon...

On a plus side, we got the chance to see and meet our favourite band "barenaked ladies" on their UK tour so we are very happy bunnies at the moment... if you have never seen these guys... DO IT!!!

I hope you are all happy and healthy on this roller coaster ride!

Stay hopeful

FH X

Luck of a different kind!

Ok, so we love the Barenaked ladies, who we knew were touring in the UK this month, but who we knew we wouldn't be able to see because we are totally poor at the moment, what with prospective fertility treatment coming up!

Anyhoo, thanks to the wonder that is twitter, i managed to win tickets for the gig in our hometown and we were totally amazed and excited and had the best time ever! It was the second time we had seen them and they just get better, even without Steve Page who has left the band!

I was gutted post show to read about people meeting the band after the show - we didn't realise we could do this! Waaaah! I was sooo depressed.....BUT!!!

I found another comp on twitter for tickets to another BNL gig....entered only once (last time i tweeted the answer like tonnes) as i thought "no chance love", and would you believe that we won tickets again!!!! Ok, so this gig is like 2 hours away, but at least we get to see them again, AND i have hope that we can meet them this time YAY!!!

On another note, first fertility appointment is on Monday..... getting nervous now.... But this good luck has me hopeful!

Love

FH X

Lovely Jubbly Deliciousness!!

This week i went to visit one of my best friends who had her baby 6 weeks ago - yes bad me for not going earlier but its tricky for me...

Anyway i totally surprised myself lol. He is absolutely adorable, she and her hubby are stunning parents, and the feelings of love and adoration in the room when the 3 of them are together is so delicious it is untrue!

I left feeling elated and happy and full of joy for them, but also full of hope for my future...

I think i "think" i cant cope with people having babies around me, but in reality (when it is my closest friends), its totally cool, and i am soo unbelievably happy for them :) I think i had just surrounded myself with this massive protection barrier *no babies must be in my vicinity ever until i have one* lol.... idiot!

So this week in FH land, my job is in question, chances are i wont lose my job, but what my job will be will very likely change, which kinda sucks alot!!! I have spent 3 years getting my skills up together, training as an adult teacher, only to be told this could all change by December.... Wow this country is going through alot at the moment! I can now totally sympathise with all those whose jobs are under question.... not good, not good, BUT WE CAN ALWAYS REMAIN FOREVER HOPEFUL XXX

15 Days to go!

Until our first appt at fertility clinic, hope it goes okay and they dont try to delay us starting treatment as i am really keen to start ASAP! Even hubby is counting the days which quite frankly surprised me! Turns out the consultant is off for 3 months and i sure don't want to wait that long...

Took a look at his swimmers under the microscope the other day and i have to say they look pretty good, better than ever infact, but i am sure a test will tell us better!! Not too long til we get that done either... still not sure how he is going to do it ....

Had another psycho "i could be pregnant" 2ww this month, boobs were sorer than ever and i havent bloated or had the pain i usually get up to a week before but today at 13dpo, i started spotting and got a negative test AGAIN.... Dunno why i insist on testing, but i had done well to hold out as long as i did lol.

Hoping all you trying to conceive and all you able ones are well and good!

Forever Hopeful x

Down, down, down... :(

Things seem really tough at the moment. DH and i are arguing at the silliest of things, and trying to get him to sit down and talk about the tx is like trying to take a dog away from food... I tried to be supportive over the wkend and discuss the "sample" situation, and he was receptive at first, and then got totally embarrassed and flipped - we had a massive fight and are on barely speaking terms 2 days later....

Not sure how to deal with it really... i have been with this man every day for 7 years, and i am not getting him at all at the moment, and his tactic of not talking is not helping... to give him his due he did come to me after the fight and say he knows he can be insensitive and is sorry for that, but no sooner had he apologised he was bitching at me again! Stress? Worry about tx/work/life? I thought it was the women that were supposed to be hard to work out...

I tell him i "need" to be able to talk to him about how i feel about tx etc but he just doesn't seem to care at the moment... I am at a total loss...

My car broke when he tried to fix it this weekend which hasn't helped at all, and i am sat here on my own (finally, i think space is a good thing, and we did sleep in separate beds last night) waiting for car parts, and contemplating what on earth is going on with my life! I feel totally alone, i don't really have friends i can unload on, and i don't like to be a burden anyway!

I keep thinking i will be effectively going through tx alone, but that is certainly no way to bring a child into the world, gah, gah, gah....

Hope your lives are better

FH X