Things seem really tough at the moment. DH and i are arguing at the silliest of things, and trying to get him to sit down and talk about the tx is like trying to take a dog away from food... I tried to be supportive over the wkend and discuss the "sample" situation, and he was receptive at first, and then got totally embarrassed and flipped - we had a massive fight and are on barely speaking terms 2 days later....
Not sure how to deal with it really... i have been with this man every day for 7 years, and i am not getting him at all at the moment, and his tactic of not talking is not helping... to give him his due he did come to me after the fight and say he knows he can be insensitive and is sorry for that, but no sooner had he apologised he was bitching at me again! Stress? Worry about tx/work/life? I thought it was the women that were supposed to be hard to work out...
I tell him i "need" to be able to talk to him about how i feel about tx etc but he just doesn't seem to care at the moment... I am at a total loss...
My car broke when he tried to fix it this weekend which hasn't helped at all, and i am sat here on my own (finally, i think space is a good thing, and we did sleep in separate beds last night) waiting for car parts, and contemplating what on earth is going on with my life! I feel totally alone, i don't really have friends i can unload on, and i don't like to be a burden anyway!
I keep thinking i will be effectively going through tx alone, but that is certainly no way to bring a child into the world, gah, gah, gah....
Hope your lives are better
FH X
Monday 16 August 2010
Monday 9 August 2010
Save the date
Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...
My mantra for the day!
So i called the clinic as i hadn't heard from them and i was told they would call today!! Impatient i know but hey times are hard, stress levels are high! She knew about me which was cool. They have to run all referrals past the Dr to see if he thinks we are in the right place! He seemed to think we were which is good, but as we are private i am sure he wouldn't turn us away anyway!
So we are booked in for the 20th September at 4pm.... The lady on the phone was so helpful.
She said that DH would have to give a semen sample on the day of first appt if poss, and i asked if our own doctor report was ok. She explained this wouldn't do, as the embryologists have to look at the sperm to see how it copes with washing and other procedures etc.
I explained that DH has difficulty "producing" to order and could we bring some in...she said no. Its better he does at least one sample at the clinic before the "actual ICSI day" he will definitely have to do it on the actual day as they need fresh sperm, so he wont be too pressurised for that one having already done it once - makes sense i guess. She did say that if it is really terrible for him he could do just the one and they could freeze it for ICSI but they do prefer fresh for obvious reasons.
So then i ask about the waiting room and how busy it will be, as that would put pressure on him too, as he would be in a tiny room round the corner knowing people are there maybe listening in etc - well obviously not but you would be panicking wouldn't you! I am so scared he wont be able to do it, but i have to tell myself to have faith, he has already had the reversal for us, and i think if he focuses and prepares he will be fine... at least i hope so. Anyway, the receptionist said that he could come in and do a sample in the early morning if he preferred when things are quieter, or we could look at times the clinic will be very quiet for him, which i thought was really nice of them...
Watch this space i guess, cant believe its a whole month plus some! The good thing is i am in the hospital that day anyway for my laser treatment so its all good - positive thoughts, positive thoughts!
Girl at work is pregnant with the most perfect bump and i am so jealous i can hardly bare to look at her. I can see her tummy button is starting to pop out, she strokes her tum, she has 6 weeks left at work..... i wish i wish this could be me :(
My mantra for the day!
So i called the clinic as i hadn't heard from them and i was told they would call today!! Impatient i know but hey times are hard, stress levels are high! She knew about me which was cool. They have to run all referrals past the Dr to see if he thinks we are in the right place! He seemed to think we were which is good, but as we are private i am sure he wouldn't turn us away anyway!
So we are booked in for the 20th September at 4pm.... The lady on the phone was so helpful.
She said that DH would have to give a semen sample on the day of first appt if poss, and i asked if our own doctor report was ok. She explained this wouldn't do, as the embryologists have to look at the sperm to see how it copes with washing and other procedures etc.
I explained that DH has difficulty "producing" to order and could we bring some in...she said no. Its better he does at least one sample at the clinic before the "actual ICSI day" he will definitely have to do it on the actual day as they need fresh sperm, so he wont be too pressurised for that one having already done it once - makes sense i guess. She did say that if it is really terrible for him he could do just the one and they could freeze it for ICSI but they do prefer fresh for obvious reasons.
So then i ask about the waiting room and how busy it will be, as that would put pressure on him too, as he would be in a tiny room round the corner knowing people are there maybe listening in etc - well obviously not but you would be panicking wouldn't you! I am so scared he wont be able to do it, but i have to tell myself to have faith, he has already had the reversal for us, and i think if he focuses and prepares he will be fine... at least i hope so. Anyway, the receptionist said that he could come in and do a sample in the early morning if he preferred when things are quieter, or we could look at times the clinic will be very quiet for him, which i thought was really nice of them...
Watch this space i guess, cant believe its a whole month plus some! The good thing is i am in the hospital that day anyway for my laser treatment so its all good - positive thoughts, positive thoughts!
Girl at work is pregnant with the most perfect bump and i am so jealous i can hardly bare to look at her. I can see her tummy button is starting to pop out, she strokes her tum, she has 6 weeks left at work..... i wish i wish this could be me :(
Friday 6 August 2010
Hairly there at all
So today i went to the hospital and handed in the referral letter to the fertility clinic. The admin lady wasnt there but i spoke to a nice nurse who was very smiley and happy - it was not what i was expecting, although thinking about it i dont know what i was expecting??
When we went for the info event there were so many people crammed into one room we felt really uncomfortable with the whole place. It was so embarrassing walking into a room full of people who were all there for the same thing, all nervous and fidgety, and to top that off - squashed together like sardines! The presentation had out of date slides, the doctor seemed flippant.. it all felt wrong.
We left very disheartned that night, but after speaking to many ladies and a good friend of mine who have used the clinic, as well as looking at their costs it seems they are the only realistic option we have at the moment, and the atmosphere today was so much better! That might be to do with the fact that only 1 lady was in the waiting room.. i later went on to wonder if her poor other half was in the "production" room - i dont know how my man is going to cope with that at all, he really struggles to perform under pressure... like really!
There is a clinic nearer to us, but they will cost over £1000 more and i just cant deal with that... they also charge for blood tests, where as ours doesnt. The only thing about our clinic is that they dont take embies to blasto stage... the other clinic does but for £450 more!!! ggrrrrrrrrr!
So anyway, had my first laser hair treatment today and it was quite nice!! Didnt hurt at all!! I turned up near on an hour early and they saw me which was fabulous.....
Will be interesting to see how the hair grows back after one treatment!! I go back in September for round 2 :)
FH x
When we went for the info event there were so many people crammed into one room we felt really uncomfortable with the whole place. It was so embarrassing walking into a room full of people who were all there for the same thing, all nervous and fidgety, and to top that off - squashed together like sardines! The presentation had out of date slides, the doctor seemed flippant.. it all felt wrong.
We left very disheartned that night, but after speaking to many ladies and a good friend of mine who have used the clinic, as well as looking at their costs it seems they are the only realistic option we have at the moment, and the atmosphere today was so much better! That might be to do with the fact that only 1 lady was in the waiting room.. i later went on to wonder if her poor other half was in the "production" room - i dont know how my man is going to cope with that at all, he really struggles to perform under pressure... like really!
There is a clinic nearer to us, but they will cost over £1000 more and i just cant deal with that... they also charge for blood tests, where as ours doesnt. The only thing about our clinic is that they dont take embies to blasto stage... the other clinic does but for £450 more!!! ggrrrrrrrrr!
So anyway, had my first laser hair treatment today and it was quite nice!! Didnt hurt at all!! I turned up near on an hour early and they saw me which was fabulous.....
Will be interesting to see how the hair grows back after one treatment!! I go back in September for round 2 :)
FH x
It wasnt to be...
Ok, so i am out this month AGAIN!
Grrrr, i can normally tell about a week before AF anyway that she is on her way, i can "feel" her messing about with my insides! She really is evil!
Started spotting yesterday at 12dpo, and of course i was still hopefull, and althoughi am still only spotting today, a realistic look at our semen tests kinda told me to get a true grip on reality girl and focus on treatment not naturelle!!! OH AND THE BFN ON A P TEST KIND OF TOLD ME TOO LOL! It is so sad, to think that i will never get pregnant naturally, and there is no guarantee either that treatment will work for me - i could cry and cry and cry.... But i wont, i need to be strong! But... i still dont have p pains... 13dpo i am usually a cripple by now in pain.... hmmmm, this may be down to the fact that i took asprin from end of last period to now, which is supposed to make your ovaries more affective and your womb a nicer place to burrow into... maybe i wont get such bad p pain because the blood is better layered and less clotty? (which it usually is).... we will see i guess!
So i am off to Wiltshire today to see a specialist about laser hair removal - one of the symptoms of PCOS, I have had to grow my facial hair for 2 whole weeks, and baring in mind i normally remove it every 3 or 4 days and pluck the odd one daily its been a total struggle for me!! I cant wait to get out the hospital and pluck pluck pluck! I have been walking around work with my face burrowed into jumpers and with a hand casually draped across my mouth and moustach area when i chat - could i be any more obvious?!
Luckily the fertility unit we will be using is at this hospital too, so i can drop our referral letter in at the same time which is useful.... i am really scared about this whole thing.... like really. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Talk later
FH x
Grrrr, i can normally tell about a week before AF anyway that she is on her way, i can "feel" her messing about with my insides! She really is evil!
Started spotting yesterday at 12dpo, and of course i was still hopefull, and althoughi am still only spotting today, a realistic look at our semen tests kinda told me to get a true grip on reality girl and focus on treatment not naturelle!!! OH AND THE BFN ON A P TEST KIND OF TOLD ME TOO LOL! It is so sad, to think that i will never get pregnant naturally, and there is no guarantee either that treatment will work for me - i could cry and cry and cry.... But i wont, i need to be strong! But... i still dont have p pains... 13dpo i am usually a cripple by now in pain.... hmmmm, this may be down to the fact that i took asprin from end of last period to now, which is supposed to make your ovaries more affective and your womb a nicer place to burrow into... maybe i wont get such bad p pain because the blood is better layered and less clotty? (which it usually is).... we will see i guess!
So i am off to Wiltshire today to see a specialist about laser hair removal - one of the symptoms of PCOS, I have had to grow my facial hair for 2 whole weeks, and baring in mind i normally remove it every 3 or 4 days and pluck the odd one daily its been a total struggle for me!! I cant wait to get out the hospital and pluck pluck pluck! I have been walking around work with my face burrowed into jumpers and with a hand casually draped across my mouth and moustach area when i chat - could i be any more obvious?!
Luckily the fertility unit we will be using is at this hospital too, so i can drop our referral letter in at the same time which is useful.... i am really scared about this whole thing.... like really. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Talk later
FH x
Thursday 5 August 2010
Sperm ~0 ~0 ~0
I sadly made the mistake of adding "sperm" to my interests, and when i clicked on it i was surprised to see various things that included, penises of all shapes and degress of firmness, as well as several porn sites.... wont do that again then will i.... sheesh
Here we are at the beginning...
Well the beginning of blogging at least!
So who am i? We will stick to the screen name "Forever Hopeful" (FH) for now. I am a 28 year old female from the UK, if it helps you to "visualise" me then i am a size 14, blue eyes, blonde hair, straight teeth... My hubby is 48, yes age gap woo hoo, and we have been together for 7 years, and have been married for 4 months :)
I am currently in month 15 of "officially" trying to conceive, needless to say, i am not yet pregnant.
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that has been described as "chronic", and my partner is a vasectomy "victim".
Why victim you ask? I feel that so many men opt to have a vasectomy without fully thinking through the consequences of doing so.
Of course, when the decision is made its usually out of respect to his partner who has no doubt bore children to him. "She did that for me, so i will do this for her". Of course in the majority of cases this remains the right decision for them.
In my husbands case, the vasectomy itself caused many problems, pain for many years, tender testicles, and of course the desire to have children with his new wife - me....
Having had 4 children from his first marriage we anticipated that a reversal would be successful, which is was in the most part.
We spent hours and hours researching the best surgeon to do the job and found Dr Dawson in Hartlepool to be the best guy for "us". So in March 2009 off we trotted to have the operation which in reversal terms was an absolute sucess. Both sides were connected and sperm was seen on both sides - great news! Here comes our baby!!
WRONG!
Hubby healed really quickly post op and we were so excited to try, we waited i think 3 weeks instead of the 4 to start trying, but he couldnt help himself and theres no stopping a horny guy! A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do!
Serm count was monitored over 3 tests from July 2009 to Jan 2010 - i will post these later, but in short the lil guys have 100% antibodies (typical post reversal), poor motility and poor morphology.... no chance of catching my eggy!
What about my PCOS then?
I see the endochronology team on a regular basis, they take bloods, make me pee in pots for 24 hour periods, discuss my symptoms.... not much else doing really!
They put me on Metformin for many months to help control my weight as PCOS means you can store more fat from the sugars you eat... to be fair, combined with diet and excercise this really helped for a while, but i started to get bad liver pain and nausea after about a year of taking Metformin so i stopped and i have never felt better! I think the tablets became part of my "focus" to get pregnant when all they really did was make me feel rubbish.
So i am off Metformin, i did exercise for about a year before my wedding in April 2010, but since then i have had post wedding "emptyness" and this combined with infertility = one lazy mamma wannabe :(
So who am i? We will stick to the screen name "Forever Hopeful" (FH) for now. I am a 28 year old female from the UK, if it helps you to "visualise" me then i am a size 14, blue eyes, blonde hair, straight teeth... My hubby is 48, yes age gap woo hoo, and we have been together for 7 years, and have been married for 4 months :)
I am currently in month 15 of "officially" trying to conceive, needless to say, i am not yet pregnant.
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that has been described as "chronic", and my partner is a vasectomy "victim".
Why victim you ask? I feel that so many men opt to have a vasectomy without fully thinking through the consequences of doing so.
Of course, when the decision is made its usually out of respect to his partner who has no doubt bore children to him. "She did that for me, so i will do this for her". Of course in the majority of cases this remains the right decision for them.
In my husbands case, the vasectomy itself caused many problems, pain for many years, tender testicles, and of course the desire to have children with his new wife - me....
Having had 4 children from his first marriage we anticipated that a reversal would be successful, which is was in the most part.
We spent hours and hours researching the best surgeon to do the job and found Dr Dawson in Hartlepool to be the best guy for "us". So in March 2009 off we trotted to have the operation which in reversal terms was an absolute sucess. Both sides were connected and sperm was seen on both sides - great news! Here comes our baby!!
WRONG!
Hubby healed really quickly post op and we were so excited to try, we waited i think 3 weeks instead of the 4 to start trying, but he couldnt help himself and theres no stopping a horny guy! A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do!
Serm count was monitored over 3 tests from July 2009 to Jan 2010 - i will post these later, but in short the lil guys have 100% antibodies (typical post reversal), poor motility and poor morphology.... no chance of catching my eggy!
What about my PCOS then?
I see the endochronology team on a regular basis, they take bloods, make me pee in pots for 24 hour periods, discuss my symptoms.... not much else doing really!
They put me on Metformin for many months to help control my weight as PCOS means you can store more fat from the sugars you eat... to be fair, combined with diet and excercise this really helped for a while, but i started to get bad liver pain and nausea after about a year of taking Metformin so i stopped and i have never felt better! I think the tablets became part of my "focus" to get pregnant when all they really did was make me feel rubbish.
So i am off Metformin, i did exercise for about a year before my wedding in April 2010, but since then i have had post wedding "emptyness" and this combined with infertility = one lazy mamma wannabe :(
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